Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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