If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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