I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
