WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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