He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I cut my penus on the lid.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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