his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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