at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
