i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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