Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
