My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
