She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
