Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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