When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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