I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
