I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
