It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
