wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
