no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
