So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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