i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Randomize
