Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
is wine microwaveable?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
that may or may not have been my penis.
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