so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
