Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
