i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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