I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
