in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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