Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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