I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
