when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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