Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
