he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
