I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
