Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize