Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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