Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
