I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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