you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
