all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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