Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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