I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
