i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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