worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
