K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
They are going to name an STD after you.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
