My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
