How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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