nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
