bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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