i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
