I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
