your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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