Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
