Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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