you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
