I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
