I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
