i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
