I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
