I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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