Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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